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THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
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   TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

   C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

   C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
   shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical
   assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise
   copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's
   me, over there."

   FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you
   run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If
   you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot
   anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

   Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

   Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to
   concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot
   yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you
   can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

   COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
   ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return
   HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

   LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
   with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
   gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
   the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which
   holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
   which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
   appendage which holds...

   FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

   Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the
   foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't
   permit it to explain it to you.

   BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
   systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

   Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in
   the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't
   care.

   HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of
   you. Answer the result.

   Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
   bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
   handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
   trigger, the gun jams.

   APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring
   out how to do it in fewer characters.

   SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you
   fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

   Unix:
 % ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
 % rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
 % ls
 %

   Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

   370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page
   document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three
   years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

   Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users
   can, too.

   Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots
   holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

   Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself
   in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty
   little bullet-thingies are for.

   Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to
   discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger,
   and your foot.

   Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish
   anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

   sh, csh, etc: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you
   spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot
   the computer and switch to C.

   Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and
   windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away
   your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
   terminal.

   ALGOL: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket
   is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the
   adolescent medic in the emergency room.

   scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
   which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
   which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
   which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none
   of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

   DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that
   by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
   yourself anyway.

   DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the
   gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

   CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that
   you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that
   the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
   mail REAL SOON NOW

   SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when
   it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the
   attachment at the end of your leg.

   Prolog (2): You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the
   bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks into the gun which
   then explodes in your face.

   SNOBOL (2): You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your
   hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
   changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

   Assembler (2): You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The
   system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a
   moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the
   foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone
   in sight.

   Ada (2): If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
   United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
   front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

   APL (2): You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
   don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell
   happened.

   Assembler (3): For those who like to load their own rounds before
   shooting themselves in the foot.

   English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. 
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